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Texts From the Boarding Gate

Standing in line is boring but using it as time to get lost in a text conversation is not. *Warning: This contains material that is NSFW.*

Names may have been changed to protect the innocent.

Same conversation I’ve had with my Dad since I was 15.

Me: Awake , getting ready should be done in 10 3:57 AM
Dad: K con 3:58 AM
Dad: Daddy be over on 15 3:58 AM
Me: Ok bye dad we are boarding now. Love you 6:27 AM
Dad: K con! Enjoy luv you con 6:29 AM

Mind reader alert!

Rafi: Have a safe flight 7:44 AM
Me: Thanks!! 7:45 AM
Me: Wahhh I just want to be home 12:50 PM
Rafi: I’m so sorry you’re flying united. I know how terrible they are! 3:23 PM

The land of the free and the delayed.

Dan: Yeah, there’s nothing until tonight and nothing to San Diego. Good times. 7:55 AM
Me: Haha come back if there’s a long delay 7:57 AM
Dan: I’ll keep you posted ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 7:59 AM
Me: Welcome to American flying 8:01 AM
Dan: Incredible. Loving life. 8:02 AM
Me: Are you on the plane yet? 10:54 AM
Dan: 1pm. God bless America. 11:04 AM

(( later ))

Me: Shit I just found an extra travel towel you could have had 12:20 PM
Dan: can i use it to strangle AA management? 12:21 PM
Me: I’ll Uber it to you 12:22 PM

Being blood-related gives you a wide berth.

Me: Hey Mom this is your daughter Erica this is the lady’s phone in the seat behind me my phone died forgot to tell you flying today to LAX in like five hours sitting on the plane now can you pick me up united flight 665 arrival 405 thanks see you sooooooon 5:59 PM

Mother wonders why grown-up daughter can’t find someone (ie. a husband) to bother for the holidays.

Mom: Sorry, I can’t talk right now. 12:19 PM
Mom: I am on a plane to Vegas. Email me 12:20 PM
Me: I already booked my ticket back home for Thanksgiving 12:20 PM
Me: I didn’t realize you weren’t going to be there 12:20 PM
Mom: Okay, no problem. Bi will delay the trip 12:20 PM
Me: If I had known I wouldn’t have booked it 12:21 PM
Mom: I will be there 12:21 PM
Mom: Home 12:21 PM
Me: Why are you going to new York? 12:21 PM
Mom: Plane takes off. Talk later 12:22 PM

Check it in, checkit in, checkitin, CHECK IT IN.

Scarlet: Guess who had her sex toy in her carry on by mistake … 9:22 PM
Me: Oh my god. 9:29 PM
Me: You are f*cking with me. 9:31 PM
Scarlet: I TOTALLY FORGOT IT WAS IN THERE! 9:32 PM
Scarlet: so hilarious. I was played it totally straight as he was rooting around in my bag. I was like “sir are you looking for something motorised?” 9:33 PM
Scarlet: And he was like “yes something in here contains ball bearings” 9:33 PM
Scarlet: So I was like “it’s probably a sex you that I am carrying” with a solemn straight face like I was talking about the bible 9:34 PM
Me: ……….. 9:34 PM
Scarlet: *sex toy 9:34 PM
Me: Oh my god 9:34 PM
Scarlet: He was like (raised eyebrows) 9:34 PM
Me: Well played my good lady 9:34 PM
Scarlet: And looked a bit confused so I just ran with it and was all like scientific and serious like I was the doctor explaining a medical condition “it’s a mechanised and mobile app controlled dildo” I said 9:35 PM
Scarlet: Just so he was super clear. 9:36 PM
Me: Oh my god 9:36 PM
Scarlet: And as he went to open it I said “it’s rather large, you may want to be discrete” 9:36 PM
Scarlet: Bah ha ha ha ha ha !!! 9:36 PM
Me: I bet you he is totally at home telling him this to his wife 9:37 PM
Scarlet: Or like looking it up online and ordering one 9:37 PM
Me: And like ooooh no wonder 9:37 PM
Scarlet: He looked like a sweet Latino Catholic man 9:37 PM
Me: OMGGGGG 9:37 PM



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